Part 2: Jane Bingley's Pen Pals
Poor Jane is besieged by letters from Pemberley as her family and Lady Catherine contend with one another during the summer.
Warning: Mild innuendo. Please be over 18 years of age.
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Express from Elizabeth Darcy
Pemberley, Derbyshire
July 12, 1813
Dear Jane,
Have you no control whatsoever over your own dinner table?
How could you let everyone converge on Pemberley all at once? Surely you could have guided the conversation towards the weather or His Majesty's health or whether Napoleon could defeat Wellington in an arm-wrestle.
But seriously, dear sister, it was a wondrous sight indeed to see everyone alight from their carriages with smiles of anticipation.
All except father, that is. He extricated himself from the carriage like a moth from a too-tight cocoon, wearing a fearful scowl. He was closely followed by mother and Lady Catherine who were both convulsed with laughter.
I must say that to see Lady Catherine laughing was a sight. The last time that I gazed on her face, she was accusing me of crimes worse than treason. Try as I might, I have still been unable to gain any knowledge of what transpired inside the carriage.
But Jane, I miss you so. I do wish you could have come. Surely your husband would have carried you on his back if you had only asked him. Have you not yet learned that it is a wife's privilege and obligation to take full advantage of her husband's affection in every possible way?
But of course I know that you are too far along to come such a distance. I will make sure to write you often so that you do not feel too lonely. (As if you will feel lonely with Mr. Bingley to attend to you.)
Love,
Lizzy
Express from Lady Catherine de Bourgh
Pemberley, Derbyshire
July 13, 1813
Dear Mrs. Bingley,
Pray excuse me for writing to you, but I feel something must be said about your father. Your sister Mrs. Darcy is of no help whatsoever. Whenever I protest to her she simply nods her head and smiles at me as if I were a child.
As we were arriving at Pemberley the other day, I innocently asked your mother about the origins of her daughters' names. You yourself are named for Harriet's own mother, but she seemed hesitant to tell me about Mrs. Darcy's name. Your father was asleep, or so we thought, and so your mother mumbled something about your father's "lizard" and that many years ago she had called it her "Little Lizzy".
At this point your dissembling father startled us with "My god, Mrs. Bennet!" and the carriage came to an abrupt halt in front of Pemberley.
It was at this point that I realized what Harriet had been rather rudely referring to, and I couldn't stifle a bit of laughter. Your father was not amused at Harriet's revelation or at our mirth, and so he continued to sulk for the next twenty-four hours.
I would greatly appreciate it if you could send an express to your sister to inform her of your father's petulant behaviour and to ask her to make him cease his abominable mistreatment of your mother at once.
Sincerely,
Lady Catherine de Bourgh
Express from Mr. Bennet
Pemberley, Derbyshire
July 13, 1813
Dear Jane,
If at all possible, my dear, please have Mr. Bingley send his friend Captain Benwick directly to Pemberley so that he may press your mother into naval service.
Nothing is sacrosanct to that woman.
Keep well,
Father
Express from Mrs. Bennet
Pemberley, Derbyshire
July 13, 1813
Dear Jane,
If you can, Jane dear, send an express to your father saying that he is needed at Longbourn at once. Use Longbourn stationery if you can. Lady Catherine and I find him to be most obnoxious.
Oh, Jane, you do not know what I suffer. Your father's delicate nerves have been my bane these last twenty years at least. I wish he had left them behind in Hertfordshire.
Love,
Mother
Express from Elizabeth Darcy
Pemberley, Derbyshire
July 13, 1813
Dear Jane,
As far as the visit is concerned, so far, so good.
Mother and Lady Catherine are like a pair of fussing hens, and Georgiana and Mary are like squabbling chicks, always competing at the pianoforte.
Kitty and Anne are like twins. I am completely baffled by the two of them. Anne is so much older than Kitty, yet she is so naive about so many things. I guess that's not really surprising considering her upbringing.
Father and my husband are a different matter altogether. Fitzwilliam loved his own father dearly, and I had hoped that he would feel something similar for our father. And I had hoped that father in turn would treat Fitzwilliam like the son he never had.
Instead, the two of them are no better than adolescent mischief-makers. My husband deals with estate business in the morning and then he and father sneak off with fishing tackle in the afternoon. I even caught them tip-toeing out the front door with their guns in hand when they thought I was resting in the parlour. And at night they entomb themselves in the library for whatever manly pursuits they can dream up.
But I forgot to tell you about my initial meeting with Lady Catherine.
As I mentioned earlier, she and mother were crippled with laughter as they exited their carriage. When Lady Catherine saw me standing at the foot of the stairs her laughter instantly subsided and she approached me gravely and acknowledged me with a "Mrs. Darcy." She then stared at me as if I should carry her into the house on my own back. I stood my ground and said to her "My name is Lizzy, madam."
At this simple attempt to cultivate our relationship, she and mother once again burst into hysterics. It was all Lady Catherine could do to embrace me and take my arm as we ascended the stairs to the front door.
I must say that the change in Lady Catherine's behaviour is quite dramatic. What has mother done to the poor woman? She feels quite differently about me than she did last year, and I really don't know if I myself had anythng to do with the alteration.
Love,
Lizzy
Express from Mr. Bennet
Pemberley, Derbyshire
July 14, 1813
Dear Jame, Jone, Jane,
Please ask your hubbsand husband to order a case of Devries Extra Old cognac from Stanley's in Meryton and have it sent to Longbourn as soon as SMUDGE immediately. Mr. Dracy and I have been enjoying it every night before retiring. It may be hard to come by as we may still be at war with the country of Cognac but it is most delicious. Perhaps his friend Benwick can seize a case from the next ship he plunders because it is most delicious. Now please excuse me while I go micturate.
Love,
your loving pater (that's Latin my dear)
Express from Elizabeth Darcy
Pemberley, Derbyshire
July 14, 1813
Dear Jane,
Well, our guests have been here for three whole days and I don't hate a single one of them yet!
Lady Catherine alternately charms and vexes. Most of her grievances are easily dealt with by the simple expedient of a smile and a kiss on the cheek.
Aunt (Aunt!) seems so harmless and sweet (in her own unique way) now that she is no longer holding court at Rosings. (Now I get to hold court!) She still likes to offer advice and act a little imperious from time to time, but the two of us have had some fascinating walks about the house and the grounds as she entertains me with stories of her husband Lewis.
I never realized how much time that she had spent at Pemberley in the past. Almost every second room seems to hold a story for her and her late husband, not that she has yet revealed to me any of the sordid details.
It's hard to say who she likes reminiscing with more, mother or me. But I can't help feel that there are secrets that she will never reveal to me.
For example, just the other day she and I walked with Georgiana to three tall oak trees near Sparrow Lake where the ever-present Lewis had carved his and Aunt's names into one of the trunks. Georgiana had been trying to decipher the markings for several months, and now with Aunt's help she was able to do so, except for one incomprehensible word that none of us could quite make out. For a moment I thought that Aunt had deduced its meaning, but she suddenly turned red and called us down to view the lake with her.
I don't know what to make of this.
In any case, Aunt tells me that the Hursts were to arrive at Netherfield the day after she left. Do write to tell me how you are coping with Louisa. Is she any easier to grapple with now that mother is several counties distant?
Love,
Lizzy
Express from Lady Catherine de Bourgh
Pemberley, Derbyshire
July 15, 1813
Dear Mrs. Bingley,
Pray excuse me for writing to you yet again, but I feel something must be said to your mother.
She accompanied me on a tour of the grounds this afternoon, and I showed her a set of three tall oak trees near one of the lakes.
Harriet noticed some markings on one of the trees and I foolishly remarked that my husband had carved our names there on the day that he proposed marriage to me. One of the words is luckily quite garbled, being not only hard to read after all these years but also being an epithet which has fallen out of common use these past two decades.
Unfortunately, your mother is similar in age to myself and was therefore able to unravel the word.
My late husband Lewis used this sobriquet to refer to me when we were courting, and it is rather personal and somewhat embarrassing. Harriet took great pleasure in uttering it aloud several times, not having heard it for so long.
She stopped saying it when she saw how vexed I was, but I dare say that she is now holding the word over my head like a threat. I will be mortified if she reveals it to Georgiana.
I would appreciate your sending a short express to your mother on my behalf. As usual, your sister seems unconcerned by my plight.
Sincerely,
Lady Catherine de Bourgh
Express from Lady Catherine de Bourgh
Pemberley, Derbyshire
July 16, 1813
Dear Mrs. Bingley,
Pray excuse me for writing to you so soon, but I am wondering if you could drop a word to your sister Mary.
Mary and Georgiana cannot seem to come to terms on the use of the pianoforte in the music parlour. They both prefer to practice on that instrument rather than on the one in the Blue Room, and their bickering is driving me to distraction.
I am complaining separately about Georgiana to her brother.
In addition, Mary has taken to calling me Aunt Kitty. Actually, this ceased to bother me as soon as she stopped calling me Lady Kitty.
I would appreciate it if you could drop a line to Mary about the need to get along with people and to stifle her imperious attitude, especially as she is a guest in Georgiana's home.
Sincerely,
Lady Catherine de Bourgh
Express from Lady Catherine de Bourgh
Pemberley, Derbyshire
July 17, 1813
Dear Mrs. Bingley,
Please excuse me for writing to you about such a trivial matter, but I feel something must be said to your sister Catherine.
Kitty and my daughter Anne are in the middle of a juvenile dispute over a ten-pound note that they found in the bushes. Neither of the two want to claim it as their own but would rather the other one spend it on a gift for the other one of them, if that makes any sense.
Such generosity is admirable under normal circumstances, but in this case if no one is willing to spend the note then I will have to bring it to Mrs. Darcy's attention to settle the matter.
Sincerely,
Lady Catherine de Bourgh
Express from Elizabeth Darcy
Pemberley, Derbyshire
July 26, 1813
Dear Jane,
Forgive the length of the letter that I am about to write, but I need to calm my own nerves a bit. Life at Pemberley has been marvelous but hectic these past two weeks. The party is staying for an additional two weeks and I must say that I will be sorry to see them go.
Are you getting nervous about the birth of your baby? I'm not really looking forward to my own happy event in November. I know it's not at all a pleasant experience, especially for one's first child, but I'm told that I'll forget the pain soon afterwards.
Mother and Lady Catherine seem to have a continual contest to see which of them can boast of the worse childbirth experience. (Apparently Lydia was mother's worst, she being the tallest.) I don't find these discussions to be comforting in the least.
I'm hoping that in November I will have half a dozen children all at once and then be done with it.
I will visit you in August to see how you're faring and to laugh at your large belly. I'm sure you will be so busy with your own baby in the autumn that you won't get to see my belly in such a state.
The doctor has told my husband that come September, he (Mr. Darcy, that is) will have to abstain from, you know, until some weeks after the baby is born. He (Mr. Darcy) is therefore taking full advantage of the time remaining in the next two months. I must say that it is extraordinary to behold the times of the day that he chooses to, you know.
Now let me tell you a little secret while I'm in a saucy mood. There is a secluded spot on the grounds which affords Fitzwilliam and myself the occasional opportunity to, well, I'm sure you know by now. Apparently it is a private spot that he found when he was a boy, and he would often go there to escape from the world. It is thankfully quite distant from the ever-popular oak trees.
When Fitzwilliam first took me to the spot I was somewhat nervous, but he assured me that no one had ever come across this location even by accident. He has proven this in the past by leaving ten-pound notes on the ground to see if anyone would take them, but his notes have usually been left untouched.
The only exception to this was a day two years ago when Caroline Bingley bragged of finding a ten-pound note and then refused to return it to Mr. Darcy even after Mr. Bingley insisted.
But on our first day at the spot, the mere mention of your sister-in-law's name put my husband and me quite out of the mood and so we had to postpone our initial employment of the spot until the following day.
No I will not show you the spot.
I do hope that you and baby are doing well, dear Jane. I just needed to get my mind off my guests for a few minutes.
Love,
Lizzy
Express from Lady Catherine de Bourgh
Pemberley, Derbyshire
July 30, 1813
Dear Mrs. Bingley,
I must prevail upon you yet one more time to write a short express to your mother about the advice she gives on childbirth.
Harriet seems to think that simply because she has had five daughters to my one, that she is therefore five times as experienced as I am. I say that having even one child is more than enough experience.
Once again Mrs. Darcy is of no use. She simply leaves the room as soon as Harriet and I start talking about birthing. One would think that with her own child being expected in November she would appreciate the benefits of our knowledge.
Sincerely,
Lady Catherine de Bourgh
Express from Elizabeth Darcy
Pemberley, Derbyshire
August 1, 1813
Dear Jane,
Why have you not yet written?
I know you are bursting at the seams with a baby, but you must be able to jot down a few lines to your beloved sister. Surely you don't have too many letters of your own to read.
I must tell you what happened this afternoon. Lady Catherine and I had just returned from our afternoon walk when we entered the main parlour only to find father and my husband standing there like two guilty schoolboys next to two pianofortes. Apparently they had been helping themselves once again to Fitzwilliam's favourite cognac. And in the afternoon no less!
The two of them had somehow manhandled the instruments into the room without any help from the servants. Their rationale for the renovation was so that Mary and Georgiana could play duets for us now that those two have become fast friends.
The pianofortes and the door frames had become marred by the abuse, and do you know Jane that I became quite cross with my husband for the very first time! I mean, visibly cross.
I'm not sure if I was angrier at the damage to the house or at my husband's daytime inebriation. Perhaps I should blame father for the latter. In any case, Fitzwilliam made it up to me that very evening at dinner by being my personal server, much to the astonishment of Mrs. Reynolds and the kitchen staff.
Lady Catherine was also upset at the pianoforte episode and I dare say she would have given her nephew a thorough dressing down had she not deferred to my own anger.
You know, Jane, I believe that Lady Catherine is afflicted by a touch of craftiness from time to time. She was feeling unwell the other day and insisted that mother should exhibit the infamous oak trees to father. The two of them came back in very good spirits and looking a bit rumpled. I refuse to speculate any further.
And I have no idea if any cognac was involved.
Now pick up that quill! My husband hears from your husband that Mr. Hurst has had his favourite sofa brought up from London. What other news?
Love,
Lizzy
Express from Mr. Bennet
Pemberley, Derbyshire
August 1, 1813
Dear Jane,
Your mother and I have come to a reconciliation of sorts, so please disregard the peevish tone of my last letter. I mean the letter before that one.
We will return to Hertfordshire in a week or so with many tales to tell.
With love,
Father
Express from Mrs. Bennet
Pemberley, Derbyshire
August 1, 1813
Jane dear,
I have managed to settle your father's nerves, at least for a week or two.
If you did by any chance send that express to your father, send him another one immediately saying that Longbourn is just fine. He is needed here for the remainder of our visit.
Love,
Mother
Express from Elizabeth Darcy
Pemberley, Derbyshire
August 5, 1813
Dear Jane,
Oh, Jane. Our summer visitors have been a treat, but sometimes I feel so lonely.
At the dinner table everyone is paired up but me. Father has abducted my husband, mother has Lady Catherine, Mary has made up with Georgiana, and Kitty and Anne are absolutely conjoined. Four active conversations take place while I just sit quietly and play with my food.
If the Gardiners were here then I'd have my other aunt. Uncle would form a trio with father and Fitzwilliam. But then Aunt Gardiner might join up with mother and Lady Catherine. Oh dear.
You yourself are in no condition to travel.
If Charlotte were here then Mr. Collins would disrupt the entire congregation.
That leaves only one possible companion for me: Caroline Bingley. Oh dear. Perhaps I need a bit of that cognac.
Love,
Lizzy
Express from Lady Catherine de Bourgh
Pemberley, Derbyshire
August 9, 1813
Dear Mrs. Bingley,
I realize that one or two of my earlier letters may have left the impression that I am not entirely happy with my excursion to Derbyshire.
Please be assured that I have had a most wonderful four weeks here at Pemberley, and that your sister is an absolute delight and a boon companion, and not at all like the person I thought she was when I paid her that little visit at Longbourn last summer.
And in case she has not related to you the details of that visit, there is really no need to ask her about it.
In any case, your mother Harriet continues to maintain the absurdity that you will be able to make do with only one midwife in addition to herself. Therefore I see no alternative but to accompany her to Netherfield next week so that I may assist in the delivery of your child in September.
Sincerely,
Lady Catherine de Bourgh
Continued in: Louisa Hurst's Pen Pal
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