ExceedinglyJane.com by Ed S.
The "After Pride and Prejudice" Series
Part 4 -- Mister Bennet's reaction to Pemberley
Well I must shay that this Mr. Darshy is in the most fortuitous
possession of the finesht French cognac that has ever had the pleasure
of flowing across my palate. Fine, fine indeed. I musht get Mr.
Bingley to order a case from Stanley's in Meryton and have it sent to
Longbourn as soon as is humanly possible, or even shooner.
No, no, don't send it to Longbourn! Mr. Hill might find it too tempting.
I'd have to send Bingley over to keep an eye on him.
Better yet, I'll have it delivered to Netherfield for safekeeping. Yes,
that's the plan. But then I'll have to send Mr.
Hill over to Netherfield to make sure that Bingley doesn't touch
Oh, dash it all.
But what if we're still at war with the country of Cognac?
Those devilish blackguards!
nectar may be impossible to come by! I refuse to be without this fine,
fine brandy any longer than is absolutely neshessary. I will brook no
delays! War or no war! I'll get Bingley to write to his friend
Captain Benwick and ensure that he plunders a case from the next enemy
ship that darkens his bow.
My poor little Lizzy was quite worried about how I would get along with
her husband. So was I.
When I first arrived at Pemberley, she took me aside and asked me to be
patient with Mr. Darcy -- he was shy around people that he
didn't know well -- she hoped I would get to love him in time, as
does she, and to think of him as the son that I never had.
I assured her in my most fatherly manner that the two of us would
eventually get past the awkward stage of father- and son-in-law and that
we'd soon forge a strong bond of deep kinship, but that it would be a long
and difficult journey and it would take time, and that she herself must
be patient with the two of us.
After all, a strong relationship between two fine masculine shpecimens
such as ourselves requires careful cultivation, and cannot be rushed
along without risking severe damage to the fragile male egos that are
And then that very afternoon Mr. Darcy grabbed me and some fishing rods
and two bottles of cognac and two glass tumblers and we spent a
rollicking afternoon out at Sparrow Lake and stumbled back to the house,
soaked to the skin and carrying a three-foot long pickerel.
My new son-in-law is a fine, fine fellow. Fine, fine, indeed. A very
How did Lizzy ever find such a fine fellow?
Surely he must have a cousin somewhere to take Kitty off my hands, and
he must know some accountant or actuary who can take Mary.
My new favourite son-in-law Mr. Darcy also has the most amazing
collection of fishing tackle that I've ever seen. It takes up an entire
room! I'm never going to set foot in Terence's Tackle of Meryton from
this moment forward. I knew right from the start that Darcy would be a
And his gun collection! And what a marksman he is! He bagged four
grouse within ten minutes of our first foray into his west wilderness.
My word, if I ever let him loose in the fields near Longbourn then he'll
wipe out the entire population of game birds in a day.
This Darcy fellow's audacity knows no boundsh! He told me about a
secret secluded place in some undisclosed location on his grounds, a
spot where he and my daughter, my shweet little Lizzy, have been using
to engage in matters of a most personal and delicate nature. Well, I
suppose she's his wife now and he can do with her as he pleases.
But out of doors!? Well, this spot is on his property and he can
do with it as he pleases.
I myself would die of shame if someone came across my wife and me out
in such a spot doing something that is normally reserved for more
private whereabouts. But he assures me that no one has ever come across
this spot, even by accident, for he regularly leaves ten-pound notes
there and no one has ever taken one! Well, they're his notes and he
can do with them as he pleases.
I can hardly believe the ideas that come into my son-in-law's head!
Last night he suggested that we move a couple of his gigantic
pianofortes into the east parlour so that Mary and his sister can
finally play a duet for the assembled multitude. It's about time those
two made up with one another. But since I'm so much better at holding
my liquor than Darshy is, I felt it incumbent upon my sober self to warn
him against moving the instruments without the aide of at least one of
his horde of servants, for otherwise he and I might damage our trigger
fingers and thereby allow all those grouse to breed rampantly without
the benefit of our manly intervention.
I must say I've never seen Lizzy looking as aghast as she did when she
came upon the two of us moving those musical behemoths. I valiantly
tried to deflect the blame from Darcy, as I didn't want to be the cause
of any marital disharmony in my daughter's new house. After all, what
else are fathers-in-law for? But she insisted that Darcy should make up
for his transgression by acting as her personal butler for the evening
and serving her her dinner and keeping her waterglass filled. Well,
he's her husband now and she can do with him as she pleases.