Table of Contents
(Last update Apr 23)
In Hertfordshire
At Netherfield
The Netherfield Ball
At Rosings
In London
Before the betrothal
Lizzy and Darcy are betrothed
Mr. Bennet's reaction
My dearest darling of so many years,
notice the swelling in my worn-out ears.
Oh, yes, yes, yes. I know the time is ripe,
and I hope for your sake he's the marrying type.
I can't imagine what your fussing serves,
so show some mercy to my tender nerves.
That blasted mansion has been let at last,
but must you all accost the man so fast?
He'll check out everyone within a week.
He'll find the local prospects all too bleak.
Your silly twitterings are all in vain.
The man will marvel when he sees our Jane.
Believe me, dearest, I am well aware
of your constant purpose and your deep despair.
Heaven above, you do go on and on,
but what's to fear until I'm dead and gone?
If just one daughter has her future made,
the whole contingent will receive her aid.
No, no! This moment isn't opportune.
I've better ways to waste an afternoon.
Remember, dearest, I am not yet blind.
Our daughters' fates are always on my mind.
Just sit and wait for the Assembly ball.
Surround the fellow with a female wall.
I'm staying here! Go see the man alone!
He might appreciate the way you drone.
Stifle, old woman, all this useless talk
or I'll slam this bloody door and bolt the lock.
Oh, blast it, woman! Can't you go away?
For heaven's sake! I met the man today!
Kitty and Lydia
At the Meryton Assembly Ball
Mister Darcy, what a jerk!
Socializing's too much work.
Wouldn't want to crease your pants
by asking one of us to dance.
Mister Darcy, please take heed:
London manners we don't need.
Silly man won't be induced
to let himself be introduced!
Mister Darcy, stuffy man!
Silent since the night began.
Guess you think we're unrefined
but Lizzy ugly? Are you blind?
Mister Darcy, most absurd.
Bingley's style is much preferred.
Should you stay? Oh, no, no, no!
And take Miss Bingley when you go.
With Charlotte at Lucas Lodge
Now Lizzy dear, don't be so blind.
The looks that Mister Darcy gave!
If I myself were in his mind
I'd run away to be his slave.
A gent like that would do me fine.
For such a man I'd cheer and clap
and ring the noble bells divine
and frolic in his manly lap.
Don't let your need for great romance
prevent your acting as you should,
or as the dreary years advance
you'll join me in my spinsterhood.
On second thought, I really think
that you should spurn his steady glance
and let his sunny spirits sink,
and maybe then I'll have a chance.
Now Lizzy, really, I just tease.
I know he has no eye for me.
Miss Bingley is the one he sees.
Just slip some poison in her tea.
The first evening at Netherfield with Elizabeth
and Jane ill upstairs
Good God, Miss Bennet, who'd suspect
your sister Jane would spend the night,
then you'd endure a three-mile plight,
proving to be a dreadful sight.
How many more can we expect?
This flight of Bennets needs to cease.
Your crowded house, with girls galore,
bursting its roof, might start to pour
a horde of harpies by the score
to come destroy my blessed peace.
But do partake of Bingley's grace.
As long as we must entertain
two common girls like you and Jane,
I'll stifle my routine disdain
unless your mother shows her face.
I hear you breathing stealthy sighs.
Yes, that is how it always starts.
A girl exerts her female arts
sinking her teeth in manly hearts,
as Bingley's sister often tries.
Don't try to hide your furtive stare.
It's as I thought, you're like the rest,
embarking on a husband-quest,
thinking that I will be impressed
because you've caught me unaware.
So let me clear your muddled mind,
reminding you of who you are,
and pointing out the social bar,
the gulf between us too, too far,
your situation so confined.
Your simple life is rather grim.
With no effective future plan,
you live at Longbourn while you can,
entailed to that pretentious man.
You ought to go and marry him.
Oh yes, that Collins can display
a penchant for convenient love
with sanction from the Lord above,
the sort that Anne is weary of.
I hope it's your house where he'll stay.
Your presence throws my brain askew,
confounding all my mental powers.
So please confine your idle hours
to milking cows or planting flowers,
whatever country ladies do.
Kitty and Lydia
At Netherfield while Jane is ill upstairs
Netherfield is awfully fine.
Living here must be divine.
Turn me round and I'd get lost.
How much did this mansion cost?
Great idea yesterday:
maybe we could come and stay.
Marry Jane, fulfil our prayers.
Pick out two big rooms upstairs.
Only problem we can see:
Bingley's sister won't agree.
Why does she have so much clout?
New wife Jane will throw her out.
Wonder when you'll marry Jane.
Four more sisters that you'll gain.
Find some room for all our stuff.
Longbourn isn't big enough.
Hertfordshire is such a bore.
Having fun is such a chore.
Nothing much for us to do.
Like to bid this town adieu.
Did our host just make a joke?
Did his sister start to choke?
Mister B, you're such a doll!
Can't believe you'll throw a ball!
First you need to cure the gloom.
Lock your sister in her room.
Mister Darcy looks too glum.
Does he really have to come?
The second evening at Netherfield
after Mrs. Bennet's visit
I can't abide a girl like you.
Your mother's such a fussy hen,
your sisters number almost ten,
trying to ambush single men,
and you're embarrassed by them too!
Your mother lets your sister ride
in pouring rain, and then you walk
a full three miles without a squawk,
greeting us in your muddy frock.
What guidance does Papa provide?
Your mother takes a firm command
when any of her offspring meet
a naive man of large receipt.
He might as well admit defeat
for soon his wedding day is planned.
What is it that your mother thinks?
That we approve this Bennet stain?
That Bingley's life belongs to Jane?
Bingley should be her next campaign?
What is it that your mother drinks?
Thank God they didn't stay the night,
or else I'd be your mother's prey
and have to fly out Longbourn way,
hearing what Father has to say
with all his females out of sight.
You do possess a certain wit,
a sort of sharp and clever mind,
a judgment of the keenest kind.
But still you're much too unrefined.
For Pemberley you're quite unfit.
And that's the worst of all my fears,
to have a mistress at the helm
who'd traipse around my ancient realm
feeling at once so overwhelmed,
she'd run to Mother, drenched in tears.
But, heavens, what a nerve you've got!
To think I'd marry one like you,
your next of kin a motley crew,
mother who acts without a clue.
To think I'd harbour such a thought!
I have to say, though, something's there,
the laughter that your wit provokes,
the comfort that your voice evokes.
Sitting upon that Queen Anne chair,
ringlets around your tousled hair,
snubbing Miss Bingley's little jokes,
watching her while her temper smokes.
A girl like you is very rare.
You hide it well. Your cryptic face
betrays no hint of any scheme.
Your eye holds no ambitious gleam.
But mine is such a busy case.
Think of the duties I embrace.
My name is held in such esteem,
my hand is every woman's dream.
For you it's not the time or place.
The third evening at Netherfield
Miss Bingley takes a turn
You females make a pretty pair.
Like rivals, at your throats all day,
scheming, while my attentions stray
to put your figures on display
while I just ogle from my chair.
Miss Bingley asks I take a turn,
but I'll just sit, enjoy the view,
study what female forms can do,
and watch her try to bury you,
But watch me make her temper burn.
"My dear Miss Bingley, I presume
that in this rather crowded sphere
my presence there would interfere,
so I'll observe from over here."
And now let's hope she leaves the room.
And yet she stays. She won't allow
your presence here to compromise
her lofty rank, for in her eyes
my surname is her well-earned prize.
I'll need to let her down somehow.
But wait, Miss Bennet, surely you
don't harbour any vulgar thought
that Bingley's sister holds a spot.
I tell you frankly -- she does not!
How could you nurture such a view!
She's really just a hanger-on,
who's hoping for the slender chance
of sharing what my fortune grants,
but hardly rates a second glance.
She'll be delighted when you've gone.
But if she leaves, I hope you'll stay
My little sister, still at home,
has sent me quite a lengthy tome,
including such a pretty poem
about a girl's who come my way.
Her poem's inspired by thoughts of you.
I don't know what I ever said
to put the notion in her head
that you'd be one I'd want to wed.
Her rosy-eyed romantic view!
It's true, I may have said a word
about your bold and haughty air,
about the way you wear your hair,
about the thoughts you may have spurred.
My silly sister's heavy touch!
The foolish thoughts that she'll evoke
from what I prematurely spoke.
That naive girl infers too much.
The fourth evening at Netherfield
My dear Miss Bennet, can't you see
beyond this face I hide behind
and hear the thoughts inside my mind?
You need to love a man like me.
I sit and watch for hours and hours
just hoping for a chance to speak
and knowing that within the week
you will have left these dreary towers.
You grow within me more and more
your subtle wit so warm and wise,
the saucy way you tilt your eyes.
Why didn't I perceive before?
The light is dim, the fire is low,
the evening's late the clock declares.
Your sister needs your help upstairs,
but I can't bear to see you go.
Forgive the way my mind is led,
obsessing over what would be,
if you could live your life with me
and come upstairs to me instead.

But heavens, how I do drone on
when really there's so little hope
of sliding down that Longbourn slope
to hang myself with Bennet rope.
My life to come is quite foregone.
The road ahead is not my own.
I must respect my ancient name,
achieve some sort of great acclaim,
become what other men became.
My future course is set in stone.
You're like a wind that comes along
to stoke until my passions burn
and threaten ruin at every turn.
A lesson I'm still trying to learn.
My ramparts must continue strong.
How close you came you'll never know
to snuffing out my brilliant flame,
to tarnishing the Darcy name
and dooming me to lasting shame.
To have you here confounds me so.
I only have myself to blame.
How close you came you'll never know.
Kitty and Lydia
At the Netherfield Ball
Dance with every coat that's red.
Dance so hard we might drop dead.
Foot and ankle, one big bruise.
Should've brought our other shoes.
Wonder where that rector is.
Wants to dance with sister Liz.
How that man can talk and talk.
She can have him, lock and stock.
Mister Darcy's such a lout,
chasing Lizzy all about.
Still behaves like such a brute.
Hope she pops him in the snoot.
Mister Bingley, you're so sweet!
Sister Jane can't rest her feet.
Meeting you was opportune.
Hope to have a wedding soon.
Hate your sister -- wish her dead.
Hope she trips and breaks her head.
Acts as though she's god on Earth.
Should've strangled her at birth.
Have to say we like her style.
Wish that she could crack a smile.
London clothes she likes to wear.
Maybe she could take us there.
Trip to London suits us fine.
Leave this dreary town behind.
Maids to hark our every word.
Take our tea with George the Third.
All the people we would meet.
Living on some fancy street.
Into Jane's new house we'd move.
If old Darcy will approve.
Darcy, upon leaving Netherfield
Good riddance to this ghastly place,
the people rude, the manners coarse,
the eager mothers out in force
to push their daughters in my face.
We need to leave them far behind,
with all their traps for single men.
Thank God that Bingley's safe again,
his fragile name still unentwined.
With hordes of nubile girls nearby,
and parents stalking night and day,
I'm not surprised they'd throw my way
a perky girl to catch my eye.
A girl whose tone is rather rough,
whose mode of speech leaves all enraged.
With every look a battle's waged.
But I'll forget her soon enough.
This quick return is opportune,
to city comfort, London style.
It's time to live some life awhile.
So back to town, and not too soon,
A fine cigar, a pinch of snuff,
some lemon in my glass of gin.
That girl just wouldn't quite fit in,
so I'll forget her soon enough.
I'll watch the ladies huff and puff,
and relish some distaff buffet,
if only this unease gives way
and I forget her soon enough.
Darcy's rash proposal
Darcy, Darcy, stay awake!
Give that sleepy head a shake!
Brace yourself and get a grip.
Stiffen up that upper lip.
Get your carcass off that couch!
Aunt de Bourgh won't let you slouch!
Shoulders back and drain your face.
Show them all your flawless grace.
Every morning, here I sit.
Champing at the teatime bit.
Rosings parlour, tea in Kent.
Aunt de Bourgh's premier event.
Hate the way she raves and rants.
No one here stands any chance.
Nothing that she's frightened of.
Even scares the Lord above.
Two full hours of huff and puff.
Both my ears have had enough.
Aunt's opinions such a bore.
Even makes the Colonel snore.
Pointless talk goes on and on.
Cousin Anne's about to yawn.
Aunt de Bourgh is talking still.
Throw her through that window sill.
Bennet girl's not here today.
Need to bolt and get away.
Freedom from my aunt's control.
What I need's a little stroll.
Awfully hard to sneak away.
Need excuses every day.
Leave the room on some pretext.
Aunt de Bourgh is mighty vexed.
Walking now for half an hour.
Soaken by an April shower.
Rosings Park is like a maze.
Once got lost for seven days.
Hard to get around it still.
Crooked ground is all uphill.
Sloping level always climbs.
Tripped and fell a dozen times.
Just ahead is what I want.
Colonel Fitz's favourite haunt.
Always find him coming here.
Nosey Fitz should jockey clear.
Too much "brass" and "sally forth".
Might dispatch the man up north.
Pay a call myself instead.
Hunsford Cottage: straight ahead!
Hope it's just the two of us.
Urgent matter to discuss.
Don't like where she always sits.
Sits too close to Colonel Fitz.
Colonel cousin knows too much.
Knows about my gen'rous touch.
Knows I helped old Bingley out.
Fitz will spill the beans no doubt.
Tip-toe up beside the door.
(Glad we have a good rapport.)
There's Miss Bennet, all alone.
(Glad I wore my best cologne.)
Have to find out what she knows.
What did Colonel Fitz disclose?
Maybe I should just explain:
how I dealt with sister Jane.
Start to mumble something trite.
She just scowls with all her might.
Drills a hole between my eyes.
Might be plotting my demise.
Had to do the proper things.
Even though the outcome stings.
Did what common sense demands.
Hope Miss Bennet understands.
Stomach isn't feeling well.
Too much gossip to dispel.
Folds her arms and calmly waits.
Gad, this girl intimidates!
Can't decipher what this means.
Colonel must've spilled the beans.
Need to take a different tack.
Else she might start fighting back.
Now reminded as I quiz,
what a lovely girl she is.
Face and figure just divine.
Body's like a glass of wine.
Mood and manner often nice.
Always offers good advice.
Not impressed by silly fluff.
Only reads substantial stuff.
Unimpressed by idle talk.
Pointless chat will make her balk.
Shoulders hold a clever head.
(Too bad she's not better bred.)
Always liked her pleasant voice.
Might just make a welcome choice.
Just might be the one I need.
She could use a manly steed.
Wait until she hears my news.
Offer that she can't refuse.
Hope it's not out of the blue.
Shouldn't look too impromptu.
Tell her I've a lot to say.
Tell her it's her lucky day.
Open up your big blue eyes.
Ready for a big surprise?
Afternoon a nasty wreck.
Break the Colonel's scrawny neck.
Teach him not to interfere.
Things she didn't need to hear.
Too much "brass" and too much "strut".
Ought to keep his yapper shut.
Teach him not to mess with me.
Send him to the Arctic Sea.
What the heck should I do now?
Doesn't want a wedding vow?
Am I not a worthy man?
Can't I woo like others can?
Courting her was quite a plan.
(Better than my cousin Anne.)
Valiant effort didn't float.
Fix it with a little note.
Darcy meets his father's old friend
Darcy, Darcy, sit right here.
Strangest tale I've heard all year.
Fine young man I used to know.
Knew his father long ago.
Seems he's found a worthy lass.
Member of the lower class.
Thinks this girl's beneath his sight.
Thinks this girl won't be quite right.
Thinks this girl's beneath contempt.
From his sphere she's quite exempt.
How I know this? Paid a call.
Army Colonel told me all.
Fellow told me what it means.
Young Fitzwilliam spilled the beans.
An old friend of the family
Darcy, Darcy, sit right here.
Strangest tale I've heard all year.
Fine young man I used to know.
Knew his father long ago.
Seems he's found a worthy lass.
Member of the lower class.
Thinks this girl's beneath his sight.
Thinks this girl won't be quite right.
Thinks this girl's beneath contempt.
From his sphere she's quite exempt.
How I know this? Paid a call.
Army Colonel told me all.
Fellow told me what it means.
Young Fitzwilliam spilled the beans.
Lydia is married!
First to marry! I'm so proud.
Need to shout this news out loud.
Cutest wedding band I've seen.
Hope it makes my sisters green.
So much fun to wear this ring.
Showed it off to old Miss King.
Married life is not so tough.
Wickham buys me lots of stuff.
Have no time to sit and write.
Wickham keeps me up all night.
Write me often, all day through.
Not much else for you to do.
Wickham's manly needs are fun.
Cannot tell you what we've done.
Never guess with all your might
what my Wickham does all night.
Mother's warnings too severe.
Wickham grins from ear to ear.
Lizzy, please don't look like that.
Looks as if you smell a rat.
Don't begrudge or disapprove.
Bet your life will soon improve.
Know you liked him -- please don't gripe.
Wickham's really not your type.
Woman's curse may stop real soon.
Then you'll sing a different tune.
Having babies might be fun.
Must make sure I bear a son.
Three or four would be enough.
Buy your nephews lots of stuff.
Little boys in little pants
would love to kiss their maiden aunts.
What a wedding! What a mess!
Lots of problems, lots of stress.
Nasty Uncle wouldn't bless.
Angry Aunt, no wedding dress.
Maid of Honour, not impressed.
Our Best Man you'll never guess.
Had to jump through lots of hoops.
Mister Darcy helped us......Oops!
Lizzy and Darcy
In private
Oh my, Mr. Darcy! Don't bite me right there!
To touch me like that is extremely unfair.
You really must give me a chance to prepare
so before you go on let me take down my hair.
Oh dear, Mr. Darcy! Please cease and desist.
Your ardent attentions are hard to resist.
I'm almost in shock at the places you've kissed
but I think over here is a spot that you missed.
My word, Mr. Darcy, you mischievous man!
Your hand's been exploring since nightfall began.
Until we are wed that's a thing I should ban
but keep moving your hand to the right if you can.
No no, Mr. Darcy! Please let me explain.
I'd never suggest that you ought to abstain.
I'm scared by the effort you want to sustain
but I certainly won't be the one to complain.
Oh please, Mr. Darcy! You're acting so bold.
I'm really concerned about what might unfold.
The buttons securing this dress may not hold
and you'll have to make sure that I don't catch a cold.
My heavens, Fitzwilliam! I have to implore.
I've never been touched in this manner before.
I shudder to think what you now have in store
but just give me a moment to go lock the door.