BUTLER
Sir, Lord Herbert Castlemore is here to see you.
DARCY
Oh, good grief. That's all I need. Tell him I'm not in... Oh, Herbie!
How good to see you.
LORD CASTLEMORE
Fitz! You young pup! How have you been!?
DARCY
Very well. And how is your family?
LORD CASTLEMORE
Oh, blast the lot of them. Guess who I ran
into at the club this afternoon. I had to come over straight away.
DARCY
Not old Uxbridge, I hope.
LORD CASTLEMORE
No, no, much worse. It was your own cousin, Colonel Richard
Fitzwilliam! He told me all about Kent!
DARCY
Um, Kent who?
LORD CASTLEMORE
None of that, Fitz! Spill your guts to me, man.
DARCY
Oh, yes, Kent. Well, we paid our annual visit to my aunt, Lady
Catherine de Bourgh.
LORD CASTLEMORE
Yes, yes. But what about this Miss Elizabeth Bennet?
DARCY
What?!
LORD CASTLEMORE
Your cousin is quite taken with this Miss Bennet. But it seems she's
too poor for him.
DARCY
Yes, Miss Bennet's circumstances are quite --
LORD CASTLEMORE
But he thinks that you've made her an offer.
DARCY
What? Me? An offer? An offer of what?
LORD CASTLEMORE
A carriage ride around Piccadilly Circus, Fitz. What do you
think I'm talking about, man? An offer of marriage!
DARCY
Oh, don't be ridiculous, Herbie. She has no connections, a very
embarrassing family --
LORD CASTLEMORE
As if you need more connections.
DARCY
My friend Charles Bingley became infatuated with her elder sister last
fall, but I pulled him away just in time.
LORD CASTLEMORE
I see, I see. So these Bennet girls are avaricious vultures like
all the rest.
DARCY
Well, no, the Miss Bennets are not exactly vultures, but --
LORD CASTLEMORE
Aha! Your cousin thinks that you and Miss Bennet are engaged and
you've kept silent so that your aunt won't find out. I understand
Lady Catherine has other plans for you.
DARCY
Oh, good grief! I am not engaged to Miss Bennet, Herbie!
LORD CASTLEMORE
You know where I found my wife, Fitz? Northumberland!
Middle of bloody nowhere! Thirty years, man! Thirty years!
DARCY
Well, I'm still free and clear, Herbie.
LORD CASTLEMORE
You mean she rejected you?
DARCY
What? How did you...? My god, Herbie, what an imagination!
LORD CASTLEMORE
Aha! I've always been able to read your mind, Fitz, since you were
ten.
DARCY
Oh, Herbie...
LORD CASTLEMORE
You remember what your father made me promise? When he knew he
didn't have much time left? He knew all about the vultures.
DARCY
Yes, yes.
LORD CASTLEMORE
Now what's this Miss Bennet like, Fitzie?
DARCY
Oh, Herbie. What can I say? She did reject me.
LORD CASTLEMORE
Well, well. You don't say. ...You know what that means, I
presume.
DARCY
What?
LORD CASTLEMORE
She's the one, Fitz. She's the one.
Go back and snap her up.