DARCY
Anne, how are you?
ANNE
Quite well, cousin.
DARCY
Can I get you a chair? A blanket? A hot water bottle?
ANNE
Very funny, Fitzwilliam. Shall I have my mother join us?
DARCY
All right, all right. So how are you really?
ANNE
Well, the usual. I don't get out much. Mrs.
Jenkinson is always hovering around me. Mother is always
hounding me about when you and I are getting married. Have
you set our wedding date yet?
DARCY
Ha, ha. Why don't you just tell her that I'm not your type?
ANNE
But you're her type. I've tried to talk to her again
but you can imagine how she gets just before your visit every
year. Anne, put on some rouge, fix up your hair.
Your cousin Darcy is coming. He might make his official offer
soon. I can't get in more than five words at a
time. Why don't you speak to her, cousin? Or are you
just as cowardly as I am?
DARCY
She hasn't heard a word I've said in ten years.
ANNE
You know she still brings up that time when you kissed me.
DARCY
I was eleven years old. And it was your birthday.
ANNE
Yes. I remember getting several nice kisses that day.
... Perhaps we should get that Miss Bennet to
speak to her. She seems to have no trouble saying
anything at all to mother.
DARCY
Yes, she'd make a good barrister, I dare say.
ANNE
Of course, she gets to go home to Hertfordshire in a few weeks and
never has to put up with my mother again. You
certainly pay a good deal of attention to her.
DARCY
What? Me? No, no, I'm just an old acquaintance of hers.
ANNE
Old? You met her just last autumn, did you not? And now
she's followed you here.
DARCY
Nonsense. She had no idea that I'd be here.
ANNE
But she knew that you were mother's nephew, did she not? Maybe she
came here to curry favour with mother, in the hope of --
DARCY
Anne, don't be ridiculous!
ANNE
Oh, don't worry, Fitzwilliam. I'm just teasing with you. I'm
sure she finds you as tiresome as we all do.
DARCY
Tiresome?
ANNE
I've hardly been able to speak more than two words to Miss
Bennet. She's either listening to mother or arguing
with you. And I'm quite afraid of that biting wit of
hers.
DARCY
Oh, no. She's quite charming when she's talking with someone that
she doesn't find threatening.
ANNE
Like you and mother. She has nice long chats with the
Colonel, though. He seems to like her a lot more than
he likes me.
DARCY
What's this? Are you jealous of the attention she receives from
Richard?
ANNE
No, no. Of course not. ... Well,
maybe a little bit. He never talks to me except to tell me
that I should eat more, or get more sun, or --
DARCY
Well, he is a colonel after all. Accustomed to giving
orders. Try smiling at him more. Tease him the way
you tease me. Something like, 'Won any wars lately, Colonel?'
Make him laugh.
ANNE
Oh, of course. I'll just call upon my great storehouse of
jokes and anecdotes. He'll be rolling on the floor.
'Colonel, have you by any chance heard the story about the lady with
the big ...'
DARCY
Ha, ha, I'm sure he already knows lots of stories like
that.
ANNE
Oh, do tell me one, cousin.
DARCY
Hardly.
ANNE
Oh, Fitzwilliam, I wish I had a female cousin. Or even a
female friend. Mrs. Collins is only ever here with her
husband. Do you think Miss Bennet would write to me?
DARCY
Why don't you drive your phaeton by the parsonage tomorrow and have a
visit with her?
ANNE
I have driven by there many times, and she's usually visiting
with someone already. Oh, yes, that would be
you.
DARCY
Well, yes, I've paid a call once or twice.
ANNE
Once or twice? Just imagine what mother would say if she knew you
how many calls you've paid to Miss Bennet. I'd like to be an
ant on the mantle when that conversation takes place.